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Second That

Mar 6 (Fri) All of my friends disapprove of him. Once again, their perspective always seems right at the end of the day. Maybe my projection adds a layer on that. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I need to write down why I decided to step away last night. "The moment I feel the happiest is going to see you. When I notice that you want me to leave, I feel sober. I dont want to make you uncomfortable, and it seems that you are more comfortable alone. I choose to leave. I think it is the moment. I told you before, the more I see you or have sex with you, i get attached emotionally. You may feel nothing because you only want sex? I have no idea. But the recent two meetups are a bit awkward. The insecurity of feeling surfaces since I saw him jogging with his colleague, a she.  He encourages me to say hi next time. I am more speechless by his words. What does he plan to introduce me?  I am testing myself if I love him. I like him, and I satisfy...
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Hey New Year There You Are.

Jan 17 (Sat) I am in my thirties. Start feeling the impermanence in life.  When I look at others, look into myself, dig deeper, those sweetbitter hits me a lot. Cannot hold back but dropping a few teardrops.  Last night was great. I am glad that my family and J's family could spend time together. I am willing to spend money to have dinner/ lunch with someone valuable to me. I was stingy in the past, while I received a lot of love, kindness, and hospitality from others. Their action teaches me what and how to give love. Life is short. At the end of the day, we only have good memories. Why bother holding tight to these material things? Dad said that it is the same boat that delivers us to the earth and drives us back to heaven/ universe. The sentence/ remarks strike me. Maybe my sensitivity is inherited from my father.  《Whispers from Eternity》 I want to ply my boat, many times, Across the gulf after death, And return to earth’s shores From my home in heaven. When others as...
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Real Farewell.

Dec 15 (Mon) I had a dream... My subconscious mind says goodbye earlier than me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That day, my sister and I took a walk after dinner. It was a long conversation- we exchanged our opinions on modern love without judgment. Some of her planets fall in Libra, which surprised me. Her idea of sex makes me rethink a lot of things. I think that is the moment I am willing to feel the drive.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After sex with A, somehow I became so rational in thinking about my life, my surroundings. It is weird not losing my mind, especially having sex with someone. I described that experience as empty and hollow.  Sitting in front of the desk, I was mourning the relationship with B. Several tears drop along with my face. That is rediculous i cry only for the past us. I could not even cry about my unemployment. I always feel more reliev...
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All about lalaland

Dec 10 (Thu) Today is C's birthday. And Valentine sends her care from far away. It feels nice and warm.  This should be how people care about each other. I wish I lived in an ancient world with modern knowledge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It turns out that I am the one who refuses those offers. I keep saying no. I want to...now. without old people, those triggers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't really crash down once when being laid off or dumped. I don't cry out loud once. I think I should and sadly i have been strong/ independent for too long and i dont know how to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Honestly, i hate to see those triggers.  Those are beautiful memories- the Griffith Observatory, Santa Monica beach, or Palm Springs. I hate him in my memories. Lalaland reminds me of those good days. I ...
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You dont have to Period

Dec 5 (Fri) Xmas is coming. The weather is getting cold, but probably one day there will be no winter season in Taiwan. I am never knocked down by job hunting. The reason I am writing something today cuz of C. A did nothing.  What is wrong with these people? I have said NO many times. It has nothing to do with my plan tomorrow. If one NO means a lot to him, and he perceives it as rejection. Then I have nothing to say. At least, B tried many times for me, and i felt emotionally safe around him and then bent over. I am sick of those people who want marriage without a person and plan to have kids when they are not even in a marriage. What is the point of planning this when you don't have a partner at all?  A is a decent person with a well-paid job. But i dont think he has fully healed his trauma. Of course, neither do I. Basically, we two don't have sparks. I appreciate the connection but i dont see a future with A. I prefer to focus on my life.  We all gotta learn some...
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Back to the Trail

 Nov 1 (Sat) These words online strike me a lot. I think they apply to life, not only in the gym. 1. Fighting Perfectionism Skipping a workout when you are exhausted or sick can feel like a huge setback. Missing one meal or forgetting to take creatine might seem like it ruins everything. But it does not. 2. Discipline Over Everything No video, no article, no advice from a friend, not even a breakup will keep you motivated long-term. You have to build a habit and treat it like work. There will be days you won't feel like going. But pushing through those days- that is what builds real strength. That is what brings results. 3. Stop Comparing You should only compare yourself to who you were yesterday. On TxxTxx, in your gym, online, there are endless people with 'perfect' physiques. But comparing yourself to them will make you feel like your progress means nothing. Don't fall into that trap. 4. Parties and Drinking Going out, drinking, staying out all night- that is not the...
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Me, me, me

 Oct 25 (Sat) Explanation of being single- no one is forced to understand your sorrow or share your joy. Finally. ----------------------------------------------------------- When I saw the reason for my patterns, I felt sorry for myself. Why I always change jobs on and off; why I cannot stay longer; why I pull and push in a relationship. It is just that I know why I became the present me. I feel sorry for myself genuinely.  Last night, I was filled with light resentment. Again, I diverted the blame to my parents, the younger version. Then, when we walked on the street tonight, I just realized that they are really trying their best to love me with their limitations (either on perception or capability). How come I blame them?  I am the person who knows how to love myself. Please remember that I should clean up inner conflicts to really fix myself before entering a new relationship. I can handle friendship easily with polite distance. That is me, sadly. like a product work i...
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