Me, me, me

 Oct 25 (Sat)

Explanation of being single- no one is forced to understand your sorrow or share your joy. Finally.

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When I saw the reason for my patterns, I felt sorry for myself. Why I always change jobs on and off; why I cannot stay longer; why I pull and push in a relationship. It is just that I know why I became the present me. I feel sorry for myself genuinely. 

Last night, I was filled with light resentment. Again, I diverted the blame to my parents, the younger version. Then, when we walked on the street tonight, I just realized that they are really trying their best to love me with their limitations (either on perception or capability). How come I blame them? 

I am the person who knows how to love myself.

Please remember that I should clean up inner conflicts to really fix myself before entering a new relationship.

I can handle friendship easily with polite distance. That is me, sadly. like a product work in process. I actually thought it was finished goods. 

As for romance, I think better to hold on to it for a while. 

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"I am looking for assistance in understanding how childhood experiences with unpredictable anger from caregivers affect my adult relationships and life choices."

"Do you have experience working with adults who have experienced physical punishment in childhood and a bit of struggle with intimate relationships and unconscious patterns?"

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I am trying to sit in front of the laptop for 5 minutes per day. It reminds me of the past me, discipline. Just do something I like. 

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During H1 2025, I cried for others a lot a lot... Too much pain numbs me so that my tears end up draining into an empty heart. I cannot cry at will.

Then I start digging into how those shit start and why they happened to me. The healing journey just begins. In the second half of 2025, I start seeing myself. The old me, the present one. It is to better shape an ideal future persona. i hope...

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