Poland

Dec 15 (Mon) I had a dream... My subconscious mind says goodbye earlier than me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That day, my sister and I took a walk after dinner. It was a long conversation- we exchanged our opinions on modern love without judgment. Some of her planets fall in Libra, which surprised me. Her idea of sex makes me rethink a lot of things. I think that is the moment I am willing to feel the drive.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After sex with A, somehow I became so rational in thinking about my life, my surroundings. It is weird not losing my mind, especially having sex with someone. I described that experience as empty and hollow.  Sitting in front of the desk, I was mourning the relationship with B. Several tears drop along with my face. That is rediculous i cry only for the past us. I could not even cry about my unemployment. I always feel more reliev...

Dec 10 (Thu) Today is C's birthday. And Valentine sends her care from far away. It feels nice and warm.  This should be how people care about each other. I wish I lived in an ancient world with modern knowledge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It turns out that I am the one who refuses those offers. I keep saying no. I want to...now. without old people, those triggers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't really crash down once when being laid off or dumped. I don't cry out loud once. I think I should and sadly i have been strong/ independent for too long and i dont know how to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Honestly, i hate to see those triggers.  Those are beautiful memories- the Griffith Observatory, Santa Monica beach, or Palm Springs. I hate him in my memories. Lalaland reminds me of those good days. I ...

Dec 5 (Fri) Xmas is coming. The weather is getting cold, but probably one day there will be no winter season in Taiwan. I am never knocked down by job hunting. The reason I am writing something today cuz of C. A did nothing.  What is wrong with these people? I have said NO many times. It has nothing to do with my plan tomorrow. If one NO means a lot to him, and he perceives it as rejection. Then I have nothing to say. At least, B tried many times for me, and i felt emotionally safe around him and then bent over. I am sick of those people who want marriage without a person and plan to have kids when they are not even in a marriage. What is the point of planning this when you don't have a partner at all?  A is a decent person with a well-paid job. But i dont think he has fully healed his trauma. Of course, neither do I. Basically, we two don't have sparks. I appreciate the connection but i dont see a future with A. I prefer to focus on my life.  We all gotta learn some...