Second That

Mar 6 (Fri)

All of my friends disapprove of him. Once again, their perspective always seems right at the end of the day. Maybe my projection adds a layer on that.

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I need to write down why I decided to step away last night.

"The moment I feel the happiest is going to see you. When I notice that you want me to leave, I feel sober. I dont want to make you uncomfortable, and it seems that you are more comfortable alone. I choose to leave. I think it is the moment. I told you before, the more I see you or have sex with you, i get attached emotionally. You may feel nothing because you only want sex? I have no idea. But the recent two meetups are a bit awkward. The insecurity of feeling surfaces since I saw him jogging with his colleague, a she. 

He encourages me to say hi next time. I am more speechless by his words. What does he plan to introduce me? 

I am testing myself if I love him. I like him, and I satisfy his needs even when i dont want to.  

They are unique, A and B. The memory is irreplaceable.  

There is no way to explain anything. It is wasted and plain. It becomes an argument. I dont want a bad ending. Once I say it I hurt him, no matter how courteous my words are. We cannot go back to the old times. 

He only needs physical intimacy- there are a bunch of girls eager to sleep with him anyway. 

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It is too difficult to date these days. I am so tired of the superficial love.

I did not cry- that is so weird. I did not feel safe to cry at home- letting the emotion flow easily is not taught in our upbringing. 

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Although I choose the father figure (omega), in reality, I date alpha men with avoidant characteristics. We attract each other?! Yes That is the problem again. i need to leave i already know the avoidant-anxious dynamic brings no good to me. 

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Be friend with him is a lie to myself. Like Jana said, it is very easy to get trapped again since we were so close. I am proud of you - you know what life you want to live, what kind of person you want right now. 

My heart becomes so shattered, i dont know if I have the ability to love again. It is still easy for me to make friends and trust new people. But falling in love has a higher standard.

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