Real Farewell.

Dec 15 (Mon)

I had a dream... My subconscious mind says goodbye earlier than me.

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That day, my sister and I took a walk after dinner. It was a long conversation- we exchanged our opinions on modern love without judgment. Some of her planets fall in Libra, which surprised me. Her idea of sex makes me rethink a lot of things. I think that is the moment I am willing to feel the drive. 

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After sex with A, somehow I became so rational in thinking about my life, my surroundings. It is weird not losing my mind, especially having sex with someone. I described that experience as empty and hollow. 

Sitting in front of the desk, I was mourning the relationship with B. Several tears drop along with my face. That is rediculous i cry only for the past us. I could not even cry about my unemployment.

I always feel more relieved after crying. 

Then I dreamed of him that night. In the dream, we did not talk. All conversation is delivered by the third party. He apologized and wanted me to go back. I was furious and slapped him on his face, yelling that it was insane and impossible. That might be the true me wanting to do while I pretended to be polite to go on the breakup conversation.

When this comes to me, I know I have finally let the past go and focus more on the present. 

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Here is the second dream. 

"I went with my mom and sister to the 27th floor, taking a huge transparent hexagonal elevator, but we had to transfer on the 26th floor first. The 26th floor was where A lived. I was very worried that my mom and sister would see him. A sitted in the elevator and did not notice us. But I saw him from my perspective. After exiting the elevator, the scene shifted to a home, where two little brothers were arguing. An elder-like figure was scolding the younger brother, who was angry and crying silently. I took the younger brother into my arms and was about to use breathing techniques to help him calm down."

Here is AI's explanation: 

The need to transfer to that floor could symbolize a transitional stage or an emotional barrier between personal desires (the romantic interest) and family awareness or judgment.

The younger brother’s silent anger and tears symbolize parts of yourself that feel hurt, misunderstood, or unable to express themselves. Your act of holding the younger brother and attempting to use breathing techniques to calm him down indicates a nurturing, empathetic, and regulating function. It suggests that you are willing to engage with emotional pain—your own or others’—with care and a conscious effort to restore balance and calm.

A makes me feel really safe with him. That is why I am willing to step in again. But physically, we need some time to reconcile I guess. (if there is next time) 

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Was cooking a pot of mulled wine. Today is really freezing. 

AI says that I am rebuilding my attachment system. Yes, an upbeat transformation.

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When it comes to romance, i let my body feel, not using my brain anymore.