愛的具象化

Mar 1, 2025 (Sat)

Met someone totally different from me.

At first, I did not have feelings for him even a little bit uncomfortable when being around him. I put him in a friend zone or just closer than a colleague. I appreciate him showing me around but I don't want to keep his kindness or nice gestures. So I kinda force him not to do so if he only treats me as a friend or a colleague. 

A vague relationship is the thing I am trying to avoid after KJ. 

He confessed his feelings but did not label us. Tried to argue with him; tried to let myself step out of the relationship; tried to convince myself it was fine. I know I am suppressing my needs, prioritizing his than mine. That was when I realized I liked him more than I thought. Meanwhile, I understand it is not healthy either cuz I might leave one day when my needs have not been satisfied. 

Hoping that is not the lesson I teach him or he teaches me.

He is a responsible person and takes words very seriously. He is not committed to what he cannot do. He does not coax me even though he knows exactly what I want. Or I did something he disapproves of. He respects my decisions but still lets me know what his true thoughts are. He is an integrity person. Perhaps he has experienced some bad things and knows the correct path to live this life. Whereas I am still in the exploration stage. He chose to step into that world again for me but also watch for me not indulging too much. He is more grounded than me. He likes to share shreds of daily life and I prefer to talk about abstract things of life. 

Chloe said there r no planets that are good at expressing sweet words on his birth chart. Yes, I kinda feel that.  

We are like antipodes, worlds apart. Literally, PST v.s. TST. That reality drags me out of the rosy filter sometimes. I envy my friends' happy life: they meet up, cuddle, have dinner, movies together. I have no way to let my heart do the things she wants: like him, stay with him. That is my choice, a bit bitter.

When he does not live up to my expectations, I doubt my decisions. That might be the lesson I need to learn or deal with myself. How to balance my imaginary world and reality life. 

Gotta jot down this as well. 

I was naughty then so when my period was late. I overthink and start planning things ahead. Brainstorming on my mind. I checked what did he think of. Rationally, I do not want to keep him/her but emotionally I would rather have a baby in this life if he/she already come as well as I am in my late 20s. My grandparents and parents are still alive. I know I would be scolded for having a baby without marriage at first. But they end up happy for me and they will like him/ her.

I know his deep down mind would be happy but it also means a lot of pressure on him. His attitude of not having unexpected babies sort of hurts me and makes me sober. I am totally okay with taking care of him/ her alone. It is the moment I feel cold and less interested in him if he does not have the courage, and a sense of responsibility to burden this. 

I know my life would be messy, restricted, and not self-centered if I were a mom. Money and time will be invested in him/her. There is no ME afterward. That will be a true sacrifice when a woman makes up her mind to become a mother one day. That is the reproduction meaning in human beings. We passed down our spirit to the next generation. Either the world is getting better or not. They continue seeing the world on behalf of us. They will have their own meaning in life. They are my recent thoughts about life. 

There were some moments when I found out love between us. The same love I saw from my parents:  holding hands a lot, staying in the same place but being able to remain quiet and comfortable, feeling wronged, or having quarrels but still staying. We used to talk a lot and exchange thoughts a lot. LDR kinda decreased these when we were not being around each other. 

Want my mind to stop thinking of him for a while. I am gradually getting my life back but come a long way to focusing on my life like I was single.

Mumbling thoughts reflect in my mind when I talk with couples, spouses, and elderly people in my life.